Another View on Mother’s Day
By Tracie Colvert
Where do I start? I am a 34-year-old mother of two. At least that was the case until September 2018. In August, the first plus sign showed up after trying for almost a year. Of course, my husband and I had mixed emotions. We would be completely starting over. Our kids were 13 and almost 10!
My first two pregnancies made me oblivious to what could happen. We made our first appointment at eight weeks, and on that day, our world began to crumble. Our baby was only measuring at six weeks and had a small flutter of a heartbeat. My nurse started me on progesterone to try to help, and we kept a close eye on our little fighter for a week. My hormone levels kept dropping and soon that little flutter was gone. Hearing the words, “no heartbeat” is enough to bring a grown man to his knees. I had no sign of a miscarriage, and being completely heartbroken and lost, I opted for a D&C.
I have always believed in miracles, and have seen some firsthand. But when He didn’t fix my baby, I found myself questioning God and my faith. I began to think that maybe I had lost my baby due to the lack of faith or choices I had made in the past. It took me awhile to realize that God wasn’t punishing me. I still have days that I have to remind myself of that, but I am so thankful for my family and friends who didn’t stop holding me and praying for me. My church family at NLC Saline has held me when I couldn’t stand. They have cried out to God when I had no words to speak. They have walked every step with me.
Fast-forward to November 2018, we decided to try again. We had every emotion you could think of. Finally, February 2019, I got that plus sign. Our first appointment was March 5 at eight weeks. I was having some complications so I was pretty sure of the outcome. Sure enough, the ultrasound tech couldn’t even find a baby this time. I had a natural miscarriage that following Sunday at home.
I have been so much stronger this time. Yes, I hurt for the “what ifs” and the “could’ve beens” but I can feel God’s love all around me. I am surrounded by prayer warriors. We are currently still waiting for my hormones to level out so we can run some tests and try to find the reason for my losses. I am praying that whatever it is, it will be an easy fix.
In my season of waiting, it is comforting to know that I don’t have to have the answers. It’s OK to question God. It’s OK to be angry and it’s OK to cry … it’s OK to not be OK. I heal through music, and we learned a new song at church on my first angel’s due date that opened my eyes and my heart so much more. Some of it goes like this, “When I thought I lost me. You knew where I left me. You reintroduced me to Your love. You picked up all my pieces. Put me back together. You are the Defender of my heart.” I’m still broken but God knows right where I am, and He is putting me back together, piece by piece.
Sweet reader, your story may be similar to mine or it might be completely different. But it’s your story. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to share it with the world. Your pain will not be for nothing. Someone somewhere is hurting so bad that they think they can’t go on. Your story could be the very thing they need to hear — the very thing that brings them hope, especially when Mother’s Day isn’t a happy time.
If you have not ever experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, please be careful with your words. Asking someone when they will have a baby, or when they will have another one, aren’t the words we need to hear. Those words break hearts when holding our baby is all we really want. Maybe on this Mother’s Day, and every day, lift each other up and be a listening ear. You might be just what we need at that moment.
Tracie Colvert and her husband, Ryan, live in Benton with their kids Arianna, 13, and Gavin, 10. Tracie is a preschool teacher but will be transitioning to another career at the end of May. She had no idea about the physical and mental trauma of pregnancy loss until it happened to her, and she is eager to share her story to let others know they aren’t alone.